Tryiing to remember your past - and the realms of pathology

You try to pre-empt your future by recalling your past,

 

You endeavour to recall something, you are seeking repetition of the event, an exactitude that is unattainable. For despite yourself you will inevitably elaborate.

 

I try to recall my past, when I loved in California, those were the days. Now what stands out about those days. Now what particular memories can I recall about that time. Passing my American driving test and then running out of petrol on a busy freeway. Did that really happen, I try to recall it exactly. I am in a cheapo hotel in Athens, there is a fire escape outside my bedroom window It is murderously hot. I leave the window open, When I wake there is a man at the end of my bed stealthily making his way to the open  window, What should I do! I am broke...has he taken my last few Euros? Hey you!  But is that exactly how it happened?

This desire to recall one's past exactly is a spurious form of mastery. If one does it often enough one enters into the realms of pathology. One deceives oneself in such a pursuit, you become a petty thief  indulging oneself in a subtle kind of larceny. Best to accept that one's past when one endeavours to recall it, is potholed with ones own bias, selectivity and misrepresentation. Endeavouring to seek one's 'self' - a self which no longer exists, and never existed anyway, is an exercise in uber  futility. Put your energy into now and those glorious tomorrows. Peter Cheevers