What Not to Do When a Loved One Is Hurting

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Source: Pixabay
“It’s all for the best.” “He is in a better place.” “You will get over this.” “Time heals everything.” “You weren’t meant to be together.” 
These are all well-meaning, and in most cases caring, things that people tend to say when someone they know or love is hurting. It’s painful for most people to watch a person they care about suffering somehow and be unable to do anything about it. Most people are uncomfortable with the pain of others’ suffering — they just don’t know what to do and how to help. Instead of just sitting with the pain, they offer condolences like those mentioned here.
The problem is that when someone is hurting, these sorts of phrases can make things more difficult. The person thinks you really don’t understand what they are dealing with or the depth of their pain. A recent widow does not think her spouse is “in a better place” when he is no longer here to cheer their young son on at a ball game. A young man who has been told his girlfriend no longer loves him doesn’t care about “time healing” anything — he is in raw pain today, right now. A woman who finds out her husband has cheated on her won’t be consoled by ah well it is for the better...it would not have lasted....you weren't suited“i.
Later, when the wounds have subsided just a bit or perhaps even healed, the person in pain might use these statements themselves to confirm they are over it. “Life goes on.” “I am doing the best I can.” “I can’t mourn forever.” However, it is up to the person who is hurting to one day make that assessment.
In the meantime, as the caring person wanting to help and be supportive, but not knowing how to do so, there are a few things you can say and do to show the other person you are there for them.
1. Recognize that someone else’s hurt triggers negative responses and reactions inside you. Many times, it isn’t that you hurt for the other person so much as you are feeling the pain, or thinking about how hard it is, or relating it to a situation you’ve experienced in the past. It’s your own negative or sad feelings that are surfacing, . Respect that you will have a reaction, and it’s okay, but do work to separate your experiences from the person you are consoling. Be intentional about putting the focus on them.
2. Understand that grief and mourning and the experience of loss are not logical.Yes, it is absolutely true that some things are not meant to be, time helps with the healing process, These are all factual and accurate statements, but they don’t matter to someone who is in a high-intensity emotional state. Instead of going with logic, say something like, “I can hear how painful this is. I honestly can’t imagine what you are going through.” Being empathic and working to connect to the person’s emotional state is the kindest thing you can do in that moment.
3. Listen. Just listen. If the person doesn’t want to talk, be in silence with them. Let them know your spirit is connecting with theirs, and you are there. Do your best to refrain from making the situation about you — “I know how you feel; I remember when my mom passed away…” As human beings, it is a common response to want to empathize by sharing a similar experience, but when the other person is deeply in pain, your experience actually takes the focus off them and puts it on you. They might even begin to think they should be supporting you.
4. Stay connected. Continue to check in on the person in different ways from time to time; a simple text saying “I’m thinking of you” or a call — even if you end up leaving a message — to say “If there is anything you need, I’m here.” If you can afford to do so, send something meaningful to the person. If you can’t afford to do that, send a poem or write a note about something you like and respect about your friend. It can be hard to be around someone who is in a sad state, so make a commitment that you won’t abandon them. Don’t give up. They need your support and may not know how to ask for it.
You are a kind person and a good friend to want to help. Stay in awareness of your own motivations and responses, and work to put the focus on the other person and what they really need.
Source: Psychology Today