Confessions of an emotional trap door

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There is no emotional safety net, I am an emotional trap someone accidentally opens it, by a word, by a slight, a rejection imagined or not and they have opened the trap door on which my emotional life stands.

Now, in my alienation I am falling, falling, nothing to hold on, no voice I can call on as I fall, not one, not one voice that I can reach out to for assurance.  There is no one to arrest my fall.

I am falling because

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there is no support

why is there no base?

I am in emotional free fall - where will I land?

 

The trap door was opened by someone saying something by a rejection and as I fall I am propelled downwards by feelings of worthlessness.
I think of Dante's inferno and on which ring of emotional hell I will end up. And there I will wait, till a rope ladder is lowered and I make my climb back to belonging. But the rope has been lowered by my torturer, for this scenario will be repeated as it has been all my adult life, why? because I am that cliché - emotionally abandoned as a child.
The emotional safety net was  removed and a trap door replaced it and I am forever falling. For there is no spontaneity, no originality, no causa sui (self starting) - I am entirely determined from the outside.
I have climbed the rope ladder and now I am on terra firma, but how long before the fall into terra incognito?
"What are you doing back here?"
Oh God, I am falling.

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But as I am falling,  a voice! which appears as a kind of searchlight, is that my Guardian Angel?
I wonder in my Catholic way.
"What if you were to forego your insistence, your theorethical idealisations  that it is all pre-ordained
what if you were to go beyond your trite assumptions to purify your assumed idealisations?"
My goodness, I seem to...I seem to have stopped falling, I look at that light.

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"I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"

"What?"

"What you just said."

"Well...ok, what if you were to forego your insistence, your theorethical idealisations  that it is all pre-ordained what if you were to go beyond your assumptions to purify your assumed idealisations.
Do you understand the light I am emitting?"
My God, the light is speaking and I have stopped falling!
"Your picture of the world as complete and somehow closed in on itself is no more than an approximate of meaning. There is an obscurity to meaning and that is where my light doth shine.
Think of your being as porous - no dualism of  body and spirit but a being of porosity. Your inner babblings become a dialectic without synthesis, you surpass dialectic. Say goodbye to perpetual absence and embrace not imperious unity but insurpassable plentitude."