Something to retain - your defensive knowingness.

George went to the psychiatrist for the first time on the advice of a friend.
He was defensive as he sat on the couch. However after a few visits and in the skilled hands of the therapist he learned to relax. Yes, to let go.
Over some time, hey keep coming bach at 100 bucks a session, sorry for that cynical interruption,
George began to be inducted into psychoanalytic etiquette. He began to improve his internal manners, ie he would not chastise himself in his formerly violent way, yes,he would be more gentle with himself. "Hey, don't beat yourself up. fellah"
And on the question of SEX, the biggy, well he was becoming a kind of psychoanalytical parent
to his many confusing desires.  He was in essence being mature about his urges, he had acquired,under the tutelage of the psychiatrist, a kind of science of the sensible passions. Yes he acquired a certain 'maturity' that holy social grail. 
But the thing about George was he never could let go of his 'knowingness'.  Nor could the psychiatrist for that matter get over his.
And  George after a period of many years and thousand of dollars lighter in pocket got tired of the
psychiatrist trying to make George, little old Geegy boy, intelligible to himself and George wanted to return to what he was before he went to the psychiatrist, that strange person that was George
this is what his knowingness drew him back to.



You see the psychiatrist had made too much sense to and of George. Sense of sex, sense of religion sense of societela forces, sense of self. And George later explained "..when psychoanalysis makes too much sense, or makes sense of too much, it turns into exactly the symptom it is trying to cure."
"Can you eh...elaborate on that?"
"Well I had a kind of a knowingness about myself, a defensive knowingness which I never let go of.

He tred to make sense of defensive knowgnes, but he did so in a....how can I put this...in a..a
defensive knowginess way. So I come out of this psycchiatric tunnel, with a defensie knowingness that is his, and what I want back was my old, Georgy boy defensive knowingess."

"Eh , right, right."